if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
