I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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