Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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