i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
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I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
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