dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
