you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I party with great urgency now.
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