I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just found a bag of teeth...
We just shotgunned beers for America
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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