I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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