you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
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