so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
