You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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