I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
