I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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