Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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