I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
