I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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