The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
