Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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