First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
