Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Randomize
