Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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