Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
