bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
