How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
no. you can't hotbox the world.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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