i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
