Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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