I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
a search helicopter?!
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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