I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
