I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Randomize
