By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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