I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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