so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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