We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
