Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
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There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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