So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
