I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
