new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
