I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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