you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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