how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
