my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize
