Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
