On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
