My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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