atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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