Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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