just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.