you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
