I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
