So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
