please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
you inspire me to be a worse person
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
