There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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