you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
