new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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