All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
