I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
being pregnant is like rehab
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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