i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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