I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Small penises have feelings too.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
