Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
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